"TWILIGHT"/"NEW MOON"/ "ECLIPSE"/"BREAKING DAWN"
By Stephenie Meyer
Published: 2005-08

Annoying characters combined with horrendously perfect endings and over-the-top romance make it hard enough to sit through one book, much less four.

WHEN I WAS a little kid, I read "Harry Potter," along with the rest of the world.

I remember thinking, even as early as the first two books, that this is it, this it what our time is donating to the historical ledger. Not some great invention, not a miracle drug, but Harry Potter. I was slightly embarrassed.

Recently, though, the human race has managed to produce another work of similar magnitude. "Twilight" now dominates our generation so thoroughly that the mere mention of the name Edward Cullen has the power to cause the girls to scream and the guys to wince.

But why are these books so devastatingly popular?

The "Twilight" series, written by Stephenie Meyer, follows the relationship of Bella Swan, a teenage girl living in Forks, Wash., and Edward Cullen, the 107-year-old teenager who lives with his family of vegetarian vampires on the outskirts of town.

If you plan on reading these books in the future, I suggest you skip the next four paragraphs (spoiler alert).

After a pair of rogue vampires try to kill the girl, Edward's family watches over Bella, but his brother Jasper loses control and tries to eat her. Edward relocates the family to protect her, but Bella falls into a deep depression without him.

In a rather convoluted series of events, Edward thinks that Bella has died and tries to kill himself, no small feat for an immortal being. But after finally winning a death sentence from the vampire court, Edward discovers that Bella is alive, and no longer wants to commit suicide. In the umpteenth of a long series of plot holes, the court lets him off the hook.

Rogue vampires return to Forks to kill Bella, but the Cullen family and a local werewolf pack join forces to stop them. Bella realizes her love for the werewolf Jacob Black, but her love for Edward is greater.

There is the inevitable marriage, resulting sex, and Bella becomes pregnant, consigning the rest of the series to this half-human, half-vampire child, and the problems resulting therefrom.

All I've done yet is summarize, and it already sounds ridiculous.

Though the plot was stable enough for the genre, fantasy crossed with romance (and you can add "humor" to the list too, if you read with a critical eye), the thing that bothered me most was the characterization. I think I'll have to go through this person by person.

Best to start at the root of the problem, Bella. In addition to being the main character, she is also the most aggravating person to ever have four lines devoted to her, much less four books. She's obnoxious, self-centered, and, above all, a complete Mary Sue.

Though Meyer has given her one flaw (note the "one"; aside from that, she's written as the epitome of perfection), of incredible clumsiness, it only serves to make her more sickeningly endearing, allowing Edward to catch her when she falls, and for her to blush and bite her lip and apologize. Ugh.

Bringing me to our second main character, Edward, who is only marginally less infuriating. He comes off, at least at first, as a solemn, honor-driven loner who, as the series progresses, develops into the most heartbreakingly perfect boyfriend.

He's sparkly and strong and, oh-em-gee, he's sensitive, too! He's so absolutely perfect, he has no fatal flaw, except for maybe an excessive love of aforementioned Bella. It drives me nuts. Why this incredibly unrealistic character drives teenage girls to scream and moon over "Twilight" is a mystery to me.

It's not only the main characters who make these books so terrible, though; let's give the supporting roles their dues.

In first place for the creepiest stalker/potential boyfriend, we have Jacob Black, the crazed pedophile werewolf sworn to protect Bella from all harm, despite his numerous shot-down attempts for her heart. (And there's another of my qualms with Bella, her love of Edward — but oh no, she loves Jacob, too! Conflict, angst, blargh. But back to my point.)

At a close second, we have Mike Newton, one of the few normal characters in the book, despite his completely hormone-driven chronic lust for Bella. Though I'll let the rest of the cast slide on this one, I'm not sure Meyer has written a single character exempt from this black list of overly perfect stock characters and their sickeningly grotesque supporting counterparts.

Actually, scratch that, there was one character whom I liked. Rosalie Hale, Edward's adoptive sister, is described as the most beautiful person on the earth. She's also mean, egocentric, and shallower than a kiddie pool. And, as much as Bella fans despise her, she's the only even marginally realistic character in the whole series. Aside from her unearthly beauty, she displays actual human characteristics like jealousy, anger, and sarcasm. She's not perfect, and thus is the only flawless character in the entire series.

I suppose, though, it's not really just the characters that bother me, but their interactions with each other. Yes, I realize that these books are romances. What I didn't expect was a romantic comedy. Though I guess most of Meyer's love scenes were intended to be serious and life-changing for all involved, they fell pretty flat, and I found myself multiple times trying not to laugh as Edward and Bella stared into each others eyes, experiencing whatever the vampire equivalent of perfect bliss may be. Puke.

This isn't the only fun character pairing, though. Have I mentioned Jacob Black, and his complete love of Bella that not even her firmly repeated "no"s have managed to stop? That was turned inward and then focused out again toward her (terribly named) child, Renesmee? I think I have. Can you say pedophilia?

Speaking of whom, Renesmee? Did you want this child to suffer so much that you couldn't even give her a normal name, Stephenie? It brings me to mind of "A Boy Named Sue," and see how well that ended.

Oh, and while I'm at it, Stephanie, Bella is not, and will never be, a role model, whatever you've said. She's whiny, she's insecure, she's clingy and clumsy and just generally aggravating. And when you throw in a big fun bout of teenage pregnancy … just no. Is this what we want 12-year-olds dreaming of doing, finding a sparkly guy to knock them up at age 18? I hope not.

So if you're planning on reading these books sometime in the near future, I'd suggest not. Unless you absolutely adore watching generally icky people fall in lust, or hearing about some absolutely terrible interspecies relationships, or, like me, enjoy laughing at poor writing and uneven plots, I'd recommend picking some other story.

And if you've already read the series … I hope you have a good therapist.