It seems like everybody and their mother are going to or holding parties on the weekends. Not pool parties, or backyard barbecues, or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey parties. These are
let’s-be-rebellious-and-get-really-drunk-and-high-because-our-lives-suck-so-much parties.

And I have a question.

Why the heck would anyone think that sounds like fun?

Seriously. Who thinks of putting some illegal plants and chemicals and poison into their bodies and honestly (not sarcastically) says “Oh, man, that sounds so awesome! Let’s spend every single one of our free evenings doing that!”

That just does not sound like a party to me. It sounds like possibly the stupidest idea in the entire world.

So you have your drunken parties where you all end up in the same bed at 5 in the morning and your head feels like it's going to fall off.

Then you come to school, and you sit there in the lounge, right next to the music (because you are so awesome that you get to control it), and you talk loudly about how drunk you got on Saturday night, and how you can’t remember anything. Or you gossip about how so and so made out (or went even further) with so and so.

Yeah, that’s a good idea. Talk about it in loud voices at school, so that everyone, including the teachers and administrators, can hear how wonderfully amazing your lives are, and how you are just so cool and grown-up that you can drink and smoke and do who knows what else to your heart’s content and not ... well, die.

I mean, really that’s the only thing you haven’t yet achieved. You’ve drunk so much and gotten so high that you’ve puked and passed out and lost all memory of your weekends and killed half your brain cells and destroyed most of your liver and did who knows what with who knows who (but it’s ok, because you don’t remember any of it), but hey, you’re not dead.

Good job. You’ve managed to sink yourself into a totally pathetic existence totally dependent on breaking the law and causing harm to yourself just to stay relatively “happy,” but you’re still alive, so what’s the harm, right?

It’s not like someday, you’re going to want to be something, someone important, with a purpose in life. It’s not like this will eventually catch up with you, or anything. You know, it won’t sneak up on you in the form of liver disease or lung cancer or death or something a future boss digs up out of your past and uses against you when you apply for a job, or anything, right?

Then, when you’re “bragging” to whoever will listen, there’s those awkward moments when you notice that I can totally hear everything you’re saying. Or those even more awkward moments when you realize that you’re actually kind of talking to me. Then you try and “comfort” me, by saying that I can come to your next shindig.

Aw, thanks. That's so nice of you to invite me.

I will so definitely be there. Oh my gosh, I’ll even bring some random gross-tasting alcohol that I will sneak out of my parents’ secret liquor stash! I’m so excited!

Actually, I'm kind of insulted that you think I would have any desire to go to one of your parties. I think I'd rather jump on a pile of broken glass, barefooted, and then soak my feet in salt water.

I no longer ever want to hear about your stupid freaking pretending-to-be-fun-but-actually- just-pity-parties-in-disguise parties again, ok? So stop sitting there saying “Omg, we got so wasted the other night. I don’t even remember what happened.” Or “Omg, I need to get wasted so badly.”

Um, shut up.

Aren’t we supposed to be smart? Aren't we supposed to be breaking through those high school stereotypes? Yet you are the embodiment of the worst, most unintelligent of all high school stereotypes, and that's including the preppy, obnoxious, short-skirt-wearing cheerleaders who think Indonesia is medicine for indigestion.

I know, life is stressful, especially life at Uni. I know that we all need some sort of release, but why does it have to be something harmful and stupid?

Anyway, I just wanted to let all you potheads, alcoholics, and druggies know that I have completely lost all respect for you, and that you're all complete idiots.

Also, for the last time, please stop lamenting loudly about how you got so high last weekend that you couldn't find your own nose. I don't want to hear it anymore.

Have fun in rehab, and I hope you'll still be alive at our 20th high school reunion.