“American Idol” is back!

Having been a fan of the show since Season 1, I'm a little obsessed. Not in a crazy “I'm going to escape from this mental institution and go on the show with gifts for all the judges and sing a song I wrote about how amazing Simon is and how much I love him and how great of a singer I am” way. I just find it a really entertaining show.

This past week marked the end of the open audition footage that had me falling out of my chair with laughter, and so far, this season looks terribly promising.

Previously, contestants had to go into the second round of auditions with only their voices. This year, they're allowed to have instruments on stage. The previews I've seen of it sound quite incredible.

Not only will there be instruments, but Paula seems almost totally lucid, Simon's been oddly constructive and fairly kind, and Randy's only used the adjective “pitchy” a couple of times, a great improvement on previous years.

Compared to last year's mediocre singing (really awesome beatboxing aside), this season looks to be full of talent and entertainment. My favorite contestant so far is a young blonde nanny who plays the keyboard and has this really pretty soulful voice, with a style similar to one of my current favorite artists, Sara Bareilles.

Of my favorite terrible people, there was the Egyptian version of Borat: “I have my friend, she is very pretty, and she told me 'Youka, you are sexy face,' and I say 'All right, thank you very much.'” Yep. I'm serious.

I'm excited about the talent-full portion of the season, but I'm also mourning the end of the open auditions. There are some people whose determination I can understand — they just have a few pitch problems, or they've just picked totally the wrong song for their voice.

I've pretty much seen every audition ever aired, so while I'm not planning on auditioning for myself until after high school (if the show's still on by then, and if I can sing better), I've got some tips for anyone who is planning on it next year.

Top 10 Ways to Not Make It to Hollywood

10. Rap. You know you're amazing at it. You're so much better than all those stupid people who have record deals. Put lots of bad words in, and then forget the words. Move your hands around a lot.

9. Bring accessories: glitter, fans, signs, whips, judge-face-bearing T-shirts, small animals, hats, capes, canes, handcuffs, jump ropes, magic-trick equipment, a mime, maracas …

8. Make sure you tell the judges that your dogs start to sing with you whenever they hear you, and that all of your friends just love it when you sing. They have to hold their heads in their hands, because they can't handle your talent.

7. Show yourself off, in the worst way. Have your big fat rolls hanging out of your see-through shirt. Make sure your neckline is low enough so that most of your chest is visible, or in danger of falling right out. Wear supershort skirts, or supertight pants. Show off your personal style, the gothic-country-slut in you. You know it's in there, somewhere way in the back of your closet (or right up at the front, whichever).

6. Don't forget to express your undying love for either Simon or Paula. No one loves Randy. Make them signs. Buy them gifts. Squeal and ask for a hug. Sing songs you wrote for them. Get their names tattooed on your butt, then show off this tattoo on camera.

5. Dance like nobody's watching, except everyone is watching. Fall down. Trip on your wizard's cloak. Rub yourself all over while you sing a particularly dirty Madonna song. Wear shoes with 9- inch heels and fall right out of them. Get closer and closer to the judges as you go. So close that the security people have to pull you out.

4. Sing a Celine Dion song. Or Kelly Clarkson. Or Fergie. Or Gwen Stefani. Especially sing “Bohemian Rhapsody,” because you can TOTALLY sing like Freddie Mercury. Everyone can. It's not like he was one of the greatest vocalists of all time, or anything …. But definitely, definitely, most definitely, sing Celine Dion.

3. Wear a costume. Dress up as the Statue of Liberty, or a giant chicken, or a “Star Wars” character, or an angel, or Jesus, or Harry Potter, or a cartoon character. If the Statue of Liberty is your alter ego, sing the national anthem or “America the Beautiful.” You won't get in, for sure.

2. Sing your heart out. Belt it out. Give it all you've got. Don't even think about, you know, the notes, or the words, or the fact that you can't sing that high. Do it anyway. Ignore the judges' hand motions to stop, or their laughter, or their horrified expressions. Just keep going. If they don't like it, offer to sing another song. If they say no, sing it anyway. Also, make sure you are totally and completely incomprehensible.

1. Write your own song, about how much you love Paula. You want to do very inappropriate things to her. Make some of the lyrics “If she were a bathtub, I would caulk her.” Yes, I'm serious. And as you sing this lovely song, walk toward her, slowly, not taking your eyes off her gigantic hair. When the security people try to take you out of the room, continue singing. And work on finding words that rhyme with “stalker.”

One last tip: When you don't get in, make sure you say every bad word you can think of, to the camera. Badmouth Simon, Paula, and Randy to the extreme. After all, they really do have no clue what they're talking about. You know everything. You will be famous someday, and those stupid judges will regret not putting you through. We'll just wait.

(Also, watch the best audition ever. Make sure you watch it until the end.)