By Max Goldberg
2005-06 Gargoyle Senior Editor
Posted Tuesday, June 27, 2006, The OG, opinions

At first when I tried to write this column, I was going to write about Uni High from a squirrel's perspective. Soon after, I had to ask myself where I was going with this, and the answer turned out to be nowhere. After a day of deliberation, I decided to follow a tested path and write about the things that I have learned and that have really stuck with me in my time at Uni. So here goes:

Named cliques at other schools make lists of the hottest people in school and give people swirlies in their free time. Named cliques at Uni make lists of the hottest people in school and play chess and Magic Cards in their free time.

You can have a creepy obsession with penguins, collect penguin paraphernalia, and consider “March of the Penguins” to be the best movie ever made and not acquire a well-deserved nickname, such as “Bird Boy” or “Penguin Pusher.”

Fitness is good for your physique, but changing in the Kenney locker room is likely to give you Montezuma's Revenge or scar you for life when you see a naked man drying himself in the hand-dryer after a shower.

When you see aforementioned naked man, look away quickly. I've found that naked men drying themselves off in an extremely inefficient manner can become self-conscious and will sometimes yell at you in a foreign tongue if you glower at them or cry out in astonishment.

The lounge stereo has a strange affinity for CDs containing G-Unit, Lil' Jon and Dem Franchize Boyz. However, it will slowly repulse all other music, creating a radial array of compact discs across the room. How interesting.

There will always be a strange yellow coloration to the leftmost urinal in the first-floor boys' bathroom no matter how many times it is flushed.

One is able to remove the majority of one's clothes in front of a large group of people as long as it is done under the guise of theater.

Popping collars not only makes you look cool, but it also gives you an adrenaline rush which is unequaled by anything else in the world. Plus, it feels like a furry animal is nuzzling against your neck, which can be quite comforting during the rigors of a calc test.

The integral from zero to four of x^2 is 64/3.

The 30-minute rule for homework does actually exist. Anyone can get each subject's homework done in half an hour or less, provided that he or she can acquire a method of traveling back in time.

Wikipedia is an essay's best friend. Wikipedia is a bibliography's worst enemy.

The best way to cross Springfield Avenue is to wait for a college student to amble blindly across the street and use him or her as a human shield against oncoming traffic.

In conclusion, I have learned that the wrong way to begin a closing paragraph is to use the phrase “in conclusion.” But in any case, this place has been just quirky enough to suit my tastes, and I wouldn't trade my experiences at Uni High for anything in any other school.