LAUREN PIESTER
Gargoyle staff reporter
Posted Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007

ON THURSDAY NIGHT I went to the first Uni varsity basketball game of the season, the Uni girls against Atwood-Hammond. I gotta say … it was intense!

Though the game was away, Atwood is about 10 or 15 minutes away from my house (seeing as both my house and Atwood are both directly in the middle of absolutely nowhere), so I decided to go. Plus, I had heard that my old school, Bement, had combined girls basketball teams with Atwood-Hammond, so I thought it would be fun to see some people I used to know.

Let me start off by saying that in sixth grade I was on the basketball team for three weeks. I could make baskets but just could not comprehend all those plays which involved complicated weaving and dodging and running and stuff, so I was made manager instead (Bement just pretended to have a no-cut policy). So basketball and I have a very interesting relationship.

Normally, if you ask me what I think of basketball, I would say: "Basketball is stupid. Sports are stupid."

However, after Thursday night's game, I have a new respect for basketball players.

People were falling down all over the place. Fights were breaking out on the floor. Rachel Skoza sat on an Atwood girl. People were getting elbowed, punched, kicked, hit with the ball, and were sliding all across the floor, most likely giving themselves all sorts of nasty floor burns. While I would take this opportunity to stop the game and cry for a while and make the person who did it to me feel totally guilty, they just got right back up and kept playing.

Some amazing things happened. We were ahead for about three-and-a-half quarters, until the other team caught up and got 3 points ahead. With about 4 seconds left on the clock, Jessi Sullivan made a 3-pointer and tied the game. It was pretty awesome. I won't speak of what happened in overtime, but it was extremely intense.

I don't think I would hold up in a basketball game. Not only would I have to be thinking carefully about what I'm doing, but I'd also have to do it fast, and I'd have to listen to the coach and distinguish his or her voice out of all the other voices, most of which are those super crazy sports parents who are yelling incomprehensible, and sometimes completely useless, things over top of teammates and coaches who are yelling helpful things. You also have to try to not fall down.

To illustrate the reasons I do not play basketball (or any sport, for that matter), I have written a short play.

"If Lauren Played Basketball"
by Lauren Piester

Kenney Gym. Merf has gone completely insane and has not only put Lauren on varsity, but has also put her in the game.

Teammate with ball: LAUREN!

Lauren: What?

Teammate with ball throws the ball to Lauren

Lauren: Oh! HEY GUYS, I CAUGHT IT!

Lauren stands there in awe that she actually managed to catch the ball. She then realizes that she has absolutely no freaking clue what she is supposed to do with the ball, and barely hears the yelling all around her.

Merf/teammates: Lauren! Sideline! Fake left! Fake right! Dribble! Triangle! Circle! Pass it to me! 23! 42! Hut! Strike three!

Lauren: What?!

Lauren suddenly realizes that all five members of the other team are all running toward her at once.

Lauren: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

She throws the ball over her shoulder and runs. She thinks she is home free, but in actuality she's running straight toward the line of chairs that her teammates are sitting in, and the next thing she knows, she's lying on her back on the gym floor.

Someone: Lauren, are you OK?

Lauren: Yeah, I think so.

Someone else: WHAT THE %&#@ WERE YOU THINKING?!

The ball all of a sudden falls right next to her, and she picks it up, and suddenly the entire other team is coming toward her again. They trample her, and she dies.

The End.

Now you see why I cannot play basketball, but I definitely have waaaaaaaay more respect for those who can. It's a tough sport, which I actually really enjoy watching. I think I will be attending a lot more games in the future.

[Note: An earlier version of this column appeared as an entry in the Gargoyle staff blog.]